aries_x3 (aries_x3) wrote in paganprayer,

pray 4 me plz

I need a prayer for strength because I have been making some very poor chocies lately and I know this but i am worried it will not stop. A part of me worries and feels i need guidence and support to be strong and another part of me does not seem to care. I have been using alot of illegal drugs despite the fact that I'm kindof fragile physicaly I take alot of medication for diaetes and bipolar (this can't be good for me its dangerous) and I think the  deities may be trying to send a sign that it needs to stop, becuase some things have gone down that proably shouldn't have. I missed dinner with my parents and an importnat doctors appointment
becaise I took this hallicinagen known as 2cp I was seeing things that weren't there for almost 24 hours Durring that time I had unprotected sex on my mestral cycle and didn't bother to use any type of controceptive (not even pulling out). It took me tree days to come down completely. About two weeks ago I was cutting hash brownies when I stabed myself an inch deep inside my palm with the sharpest kitchen knife we have I had to go to the ER.
I was afraid becuase you gotta be careful when you get injured and your diabetic  your blood cirrculation is not the same and some people have to get amputations. I was hoping it was nothing too bad,....turns out I require surgery because I have nerve damage. When I went to my doctors apointment I told them I wanted surgery that day they were going to put me under until they asked if I had used drugs and i had to tell them yes. Then i had to tell my mom why I could not get the surgery and she looked disapointed saying she felt as tho she had failed as a parent. And it hurt me seeing her like that. I am having to wait for the surgery until this friday. It hurts doing stuff without my thumb because i can't really move it all that well without the nerves shooting in pain I can't put on a bra or buttton my fly I've had a hard time testing my blood sugar and keeping my room clean cuz i can't really pick up obects too well. I'm in pain all the time with my hand itching, tingling, buring, throbing, and feeling like icy hot plus its numb. I'm not normally very brave when it comes to these type of unknown new life experices eg being put under, but after all this I can't wait to get surgery. I wish I could say im fine emotionally but right now there is more to all this story than just this stuff listed above. I met a guy and got romanticly involved with him and I felt my life change. I have had other serious relationships in the past that have lasted for years but never in my life have I felt such a strong connection with someone. Don't get me wrong I am not the type of woman typically to let a relationship make me, a person needs to be fine on their own, know and love theirself truely before they can be fine in a relationship and know and love another person....I know all of this and I don't normally get my kicks from others from others but ths guy makes me feel things I've never felt before. Suddnenly My ideas are more free flowing and everything feels natural and inate I can't quite speak my mind around anyoe else they way I do around him. But like I have been doing lately I messed things up. Really another poor choice I made We decied to go out that weekend I proably shoulda stayed in after what I did to my hand ect ect (once again my idoit gear kicking in) I went out and took extacy even though he had advised against it I wish now that I would have listened or my surgery would have been over with by now. The weekend turned our horrible I guess in part cuz I was on my cycle again and I tend to have problems then because I have a hormonal imbalence. And we got in to sevral fights continuing thoughout the week and lets just say now we're on a break and not even speaking he says he'll contact me when he is ready, and i know Its best to give him his space so i am. But I feel alot of emotional unrest from all of this worrying about this and feeling guilty for all of my chocies and I feel that I will loose him..., And that my life somehow won't be the same if I do. I'm always anxious and I feel like im only half here due to walking around in an emotional fog. I'm loosing focus and I loose my possenions alot, i no longer enjoy daily activities even socializing with friends which has always been a big deal to me. I'm having a hard time eating and i'v lost ten pounds in about a week. I know that this is along post but im hurting physically and emotionaly to anyone who has read all this if you could please talk a noment out of your time to pray for me, my chocies, my guilt, my guidence and hopes that I will find solance and resolve
Blessed be
, alex

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